In reflection on personal failings….
When one becomes a Christian, especially if you are outspoken and loud and wear it on your sleeve like me, there is an added pressure to live a pure and holy life. If I am gonna scream about Jesus, I better bust my butt to be like Jesus. But alas I fail, sometimes in front of people, sometimes in private all alone.
To live under God’s grace when being under the scrutiny of others is indeed difficult. When I blatantly sin and everyone sees, there is a moment where I want to scramble, run interference and save face….i have scrambled before. But to pause and not scramble, is a challenge….because everyone is watching. But I need to pause. In that moment I need to find God’s Grace and Mercy. It wasn’t when I was a lily that Christ died for me, it was while I was still a sinner. I need to put my confidence there and let the consequence of my sins pan out the way they will pan out. In my life I have found that a challenge.
But even more challenging is when I sin in private. When it is just me and God…worse me and me. To stumble over the same sin again and again, to fail, to fail miserably. It is crushing. I silence myself, I disqualify myself, I stop doing what I can hear God telling me to do. I tear myself apart. This is a moment where I need God’s Grace & Mercy, this for me is most challenging. How to move on with a broken a contrite heart, as a sinner covered in Grace and Mercy? I am my own biggest obstacle.
Jesus’ presence, His Spirit that is still with us, is what pulls me out of depth. In failing in public, and even more in failing in private the truth of God’s Grace & Mercy is there. In my failings, those truths are made more evident.
To be a follower of Jesus is not just about piety. It is also that when we fail we are held. We are covered by Grace. We are covered by Mercy.
And so I battle on, fighting sin. Why? Not for piety’s sake. But because I want to do all I can to clear any fog that might keep me from seeing what God’s purposes are for me today, right this moment, tomorrow and further down the road. I want to see clearly what God’s purposes are for me.
Sin clouds my vision.
God’s grace & mercy sustains me.